When I was little, our homeschooling morning would always start with a half hour during which we read our Bibles and journaled. My mom always encouraged us to ask hard questions and not take our faith at face value. We always had a dictionary within reach. One day, I came across the word “Corban” in Mark. The dictionary was no help, so I believe we ended up pulling out Strong’s Concordance to find out what Corban meant. Strong’s defines Corban as “a sacred gift.” Other dictionaries and more recent translations make slight modifications such as “a sacrificial gift,” “a gift dedicated to God,” or even “a sacrifice owed to God.”
When the doctor told us that there was little chance they could stop me from and delivering and an even smaller chance that Cory would survive, I felt nothing but shock. I was sure I was having Braxton Hicks contractions and the doctors would shake their heads and send me home. However, the instant panic on the sweet nurse’s face when she saw me go through a contraction was enough to convince me that I wouldn’t be going home anytime soon. Trapped in a world made of blinding physical pain as the doctors tipped me upside down for the entire night and tried experimental drugs to stop my body from forcing out the baby, I had a lot of time to think.
The name we had chosen was not the right one. It was a great name and maybe someday we’ll have another son to use it on. But this baby was not going to be ours except through some miracle that I couldn’t bring myself to expect. The name Corban, which had intrigued me since I was a little girl and which I had discussed with Morgan only to eventually reject in naming negotiations, kept coming to mind. Our perfect, beautiful little baby with my nose and Morgan’s everything else was never really going to belong to us. The fluttering heartbeat that I had fallen so deeply in love with was never going to beat outside of me. Morgan was almost instantly on board with the name change. We added Josiah later. “Yahweh heals.” We remained utterly convinced throughout the whole unbearable three days that God could intervene with a miracle and heal my body and Cory’s. His middle name expressed our hope that God would intervene and his first name expressed our willingness to submit to God’s will if He did not. Corban was always going to be a sacred gift, one we never expected from God and one that we were only allowed to know on this side of eternity for the briefest of windows. Corban was our sacrificial gift owed to God. When he opened his little eyes for the first time, it wasn’t to see us. The first person he ever saw was his Creator.
The last week has been made up of the most devastatingly painful, shocking, and unbearable days of my entire life. I don’t think Morgan and I will ever really “get over” losing our child in such a violent and unexpected way, even if it becomes easier to bear with time. We are still reeling and directionless as our lives seem to be rerouting wildly from the track we had expected it to take. I don’t expect us to think of much else for a very long time. That being said, I have never in my life been more convinced of the sovereignty, grace, and creative power of God. After holding Corban, and seeing the incomparable beauty of this tiny, perfect child, I don’t know how I could have any other response than awe and thankfulness for the small time we were allowed to spend with him. Every single person in our lives is on loan from God. Cory’s loan was a quick one, and all the more sweet for his short time with us. All we’ve been able to hold in our hearts these days is heavy grief and overwhelming gratitude. We are certainly broken, but we will absolutely heal. And someday, I have every intention of holding my son’s hand and telling him how deeply he is loved and how sorely he is missed.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out to share their stories, send flowers, give encouragement, offer assistance, and express their love. Your prayers and light have buoyed us up in this stormy week. We have not been able to answer everyone yet, but we will endeavor to do so in the days to come.
January 23, 2017 at 10:02 pm
Such a beautiful account of your tragic loss. You truly have a gift for expressing yourself . May the two of you lean on each other for support but remember there are many people praying and willing to do whatever they can to help you through this devastating time.
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January 23, 2017 at 11:29 pm
I know you don’t know me but I have had the opportunity to meet your father..My name is Linda and want to send my deepest sympathy to you and your husband. I know the pain and heartbreak you are going thru. I myself lost my son of 44 yrs. last yr from massive bee stings.My heart aches for you. If I can be of some comfort to you please feel free to email me @ lilw49225@aol.com. Healing prayers sending your way.💔
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January 24, 2017 at 1:43 am
This is a wonderful tribute to Cory and the wonderful grace of Jesus: Taking away our burden, setting our spirits free. O, the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me!
I’m so sorry our Sweet, Precious, Beautiful, Little Cory could not stay with us. He must have heard God say, “Cory, Cory.” And the only answer he could possibly give was. “Speak, LORD, for thy servant heareth.” Cory’s brief existence carries a different purpose than Samuel’s. May many who don’t know our Savior be compelled to seek Him as this story touches their lives. May you, my Sweet Little Cory, be a shining example of Love Eternal, Omniscience, and the undeniable Sovereignty of God.
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January 24, 2017 at 11:49 am
Thank you so much for sharing with us Rachel. We love you and Morgan so very much❤ There is a picture in my head of our beloved David, standing there holding your beautiful Corbin. Promising to take care of him until we meet him in Glory. Rachel, please keep writing. God has blessed you with a tremendous gift ❤ May God continue to comfort you both and provide His grace and peace to you. Take each day, one day at a time. We are always here for you❤
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January 26, 2017 at 10:02 pm
The strength shown by you and Morgan constantly amazes me. Like a butterfly, Cory’s presence here was so brief and light, yet his beauty will remain with us. Love you all.
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February 4, 2017 at 11:34 pm
I know exactly what you are going through, and I can tell you that there will always be a feeling of loss, but one day you will smile when you remember your beautiful baby. That time you had with him will last a lifetime. You will never replace him or forget him. Keep writing. It helped me so much. If you ever need to talk to someone who has been through it, I would be very happy to help in any way.
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